If I Could Talk to My Picker
If I could talk to my picker (the part of me that decides who I date, who I commit to, and who I build a life with) here’s what I would say:
This is the family you get to choose.
So please, choose wisely.
This person won’t just be there for the highlight reel; the vacations, weddings, and milestones.
They’ll also be there for the losses, the illnesses, the sleepless nights, and the moments when life feels really heavy.
The partner you choose will impact everything from your stress levels and sleep to your mental health, financial health, physical health, and even your immune system.
So, don’t just pick the person who feels exciting.
And definitely don’t pick the one who keeps you anxiously waiting by your phone for a text back.
Pick the one who makes you feel safe.
The one who soothes your nervous system, supports you through the messy parts of life, and shows up consistently and reliably.
Because ultimately, your partner plays a big role in your long-term nervous system regulation.
You’re not being “too picky” when you’re protecting your future health.
Choose the partner your body can relax around.
So… what actually is your picker?
There isn’t one single “picker” part of the brain. It’s more like a network of different regions working together to influence who you’re attracted to and who you choose as a partner. Here’s what’s really going on behind the scenes:
1. The Limbic System: Emotion and Attachment
This includes your amygdala, hippocampus, and hypothalamus. The areas that process emotion, memory, and attachment.
This is where your “chemistry” comes from. That spark or gut feeling when you meet someone. It’s your brain linking the present moment to emotional memories from your past.
2. Dopamine and Reward Pathways
Areas like the ventral tegmental area (VTA) and nucleus accumbens light up when you feel attraction or infatuation. These are the same circuits that process motivation and pleasure, which is why love can feel addictive.
This is also why we sometimes chase excitement instead of emotional safety.
3. The Prefrontal Cortex: Decision-Making
Your prefrontal cortex helps you use logic, judgment, and long-term thinking. It’s basically the “rational” part of your picker.
Ideally, it balances the pull of your emotions. But when attraction or old attachment wounds are strong, it can get overridden by the emotional brain.
4. Attachment Wiring
Your attachment system (shaped by early relationships) heavily influences your picker. Your brain stores relational templates: how love felt, how safety or danger felt, and how connection was earned.
If you grew up in an unpredictable or inconsistent environment, your picker might confuse familiarity with safety.
So when people say, “my picker is broken,” what they’re really describing is a tug-of-war between emotional memory and logic. Their brain being drawn toward what’s familiar, even when it’s not healthy.
Healing Your Picker
The good news? Your picker isn’t broken. It’s just following an old map.
Through therapy, self-awareness, and secure attachment experiences, you can update that map. You can teach your nervous system that calm can be safe, and stability doesn’t mean boring.
Choosing a partner who regulates rather than activates your nervous system isn’t just good for your mood, it’s good for your health.
Because love that feels safe isn’t the absence of excitement.
It’s the presence of peace.
Working on Your Picker in Therapy
If you’re in New York and you’ve found yourself drawn to the same relationship patterns again and again, therapy can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. As a New York based therapist specializing in anxiety and attachment, I help clients explore the emotional patterns that shape their choices and learn how to build healthy, secure relationships. Starting with the relationship they have with themselves!
If you’re ready to understand your relationship patterns, calm your nervous system, and create the kind of connection that feels good long-term, book a therapy session with me in New York.
